From the archives: This post was originally published on Fetlife a few years ago. I’m starting to transfer some of those posts over here.
This one’s hard for me to write. I’ve started it several times and abandoned it along the way.
It’s about need.
In a previous writing that a lot of you did read, I explained that I’m acutely aware of the “distance” between want and need.
There is a difference to me, and I take that difference very seriously. What I want and what I need two different animals and relationship-wise, I can survive (and thrive) on the basics: honesty, trust, desire, passion, respect.
Those are needs. Gotta have ’em all.
But here’s where I never want to go (again). While I accept that I need those qualities in a partner, I don’t want to mistake that for needing a partner.
Likewise, I don’t want to be needed.
Wanted…..fuck yeah. I want like nobody’s business and being wanted is fantastic. Shit, that’s right up there in the “need” category with “desire,” right?
But needing a person – having him be my life support, or vice versa – being someone someone cannot live without….
I can’t. i can’t go there. That’s dangerous territory for me. That’s the space where I lose myself and all my wants (and needs) become swallowed up by someone else’s.
That’s how I end up living with a hoarder in a two-story, four bedroom storage unit with no space for myself and getting sick frequently from the filth.
That’s how I end up playing “cab driver” for someone and all their friends, driving all over town days on end to make it convenient for someone else to see me.
That’s how I eat my cold dinner alone while my boyfriend spends an hour on skype with his other girlfriend after he ate his dinner hot with his cock in my throat.
See, that’s the shit that belonged to the old me. That’s the shit that happened when I let somebody become a need rather than a want.
I can live without a want. I don’t make those kinds of sacrifices for “wants.”
“Oh, but phi – those were just really bad partners.”
Uh-huh. And in this life there is no guarantee that every partner will be perfect. Nobody is. Even me. (I know, so close….)
Which is why I also don’t want to be a need. I’m not saying I don’t want a partner to desire me or be sad if things don’t work out. There are certainly connection, attachments, and feelings involved. I just …I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s utter devastation. I don’t want their next breath to hinge on my sticking around, even if I’m not happy.
It’s about personal responsibility for me now. I’m in charge of being the decision maker in my life. I’m in charge of keeping myself from exhibiting the natural instinct to give until there’s nothing left. I’m in charge of me.
In the bedroom, that’s another story….