A creator on tiktok (InfinitePolyam) had coined the term “Boring Polyamory” in February 2023 and I instantly gravitated toward it. The first sentence of her short video was:
I came up with a new term for the polyamory community. It’s called “boring polyamory.” It’s for those of us that are polyamorous but are boring.
By this time my polycule had already been living together five months and while I wouldn’t say there weren’t any growing pains, they were fairly limited and simple to overcome. It was all pretty chill, actually – and remains so to this day.
I would have thought that the transition from living alone to living with a metamour to living with my whole polycule in the span of 3 years would have been a lot more dramatic – but once we sorted out a few logistical issues, it all felt quite normal.
Boring, if you will.
Soon after we moved in together, three out of the four of us went to a late night munch nearby. It was our first much in a new part of town and we were eager to meet people and make some local friends.
It was a small gathering, around 10 people (and our group was three of them). Unlike my experience in the Los Angeles based kink community, polyamory was not quite as prolific a practice further inland (though other forms of nonmonogamy like swinging and sex parties are very common). Folks were really curious about our situation and how it worked. “So, do you like have to break up any fights between them?” a wide-eyed young man asked our partner while my metamour and I ate our french fries.
“Uh. No. They’re adults…we’re all just adults.”
I’ve now been writing about polyamory (and mono+poly specifically) and/or sharing my experiences openly with anybody who’s interested for ten years, and I know that folks immediately ask about and cling to all the sordid details they perceive as being part and parcel with living an actively nonmonogamous lovestyle.
Because yes – jealousy, scheduling, communication, family dynamics, texting protocols, holiday planning, child rearing, sexual health, and going through the roller coaster of emotions and the fallout whenever someone in the polycule starts or stops dating someone – are all definitely part of the “excitement” of being in a nonmonogamous relationship; but after nearly a decade in a stable polycule, we kind of have that shit sorted.
And now the big questions are things like “what color do we paint the house?” and “What’s for dinner tonight?”
It’s boring. And I love it.
So I started doing “Boring Polyamory” updates on my own tiktok. In these minute-long updates I share a bit of what I or my polycule experienced in the past day or week.
Here is an example:
From September 2023: “This morning I woke up and made coffee and had eggs and toast for breakfast. Our partner got ready for a job interview and after it was over he went to costco and asked us to send him shopping requests via group text. One of my metamours is resting between work shifts and the other is on campus taking classes at the local community college. I’m sitting in the living room watching landscapers cut down a palm tree. Tonight we’ll watch Deep Space 9 and have dinner together.”
I’m highly aware of how dull and inconsequential these updates are. And yet, it’s one of my more popular series on tiktok. Every time I post one I hear from people who super appreciate that the content around polyamory isn’t about the drama or the trauma. It’s just normal every day stuff; because at the end of the day that’s our life.
On a broader scale I like to think that in some small way I’m helping to destigmatize and reduce so many people’s fears and misconceptions around what having a non-traditional relationship would be like. And when they hear that four child-free adults can afford a much nicer house together where we each have our own bedroom and a fully stocked kitchen with a big back yard than any of us could on our own – they start to see the benefits.
It’s like the Golden Girls most of the time. We eat meals together, gossip, watch TV, and generally enjoy each other’s company.
The most excitement we get is when the cats do something funny.
polyammering 