More often than not, when people avoid telling their partner something they know should tell them because they're worried it might cause a fight or a breakup, there's a chance their partner will consider it cheating.
She’s right there, asking me “But what If I do have sex with someone else and I end up feeling awful about it? What if I get my heart broken or my ego bruised? What if it makes me so emotional that it scares them off ‘cause now I’m crying and I can’t explain why? What if they feel used because this all turns out to prove that I’m not polyamorous and I can’t do it?”
By now (if you're in the United States), you've likely had at least one conversation about how your polycule is going to handle Thanksgiving (or Friendsgiving), and I'm guessing there's more than a handful of hinge partners out there that are starting to feel the pressure of multiple paramours vying for spots on the holiday calendar.
What I really want to do is help people understand that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do either, and there is definitely a way to make it work when a partnership has one of each.
Imagine thinking that you failed at accepting polyamory in one sentence, and in the next being so fully accepting of his polyamorous identity that you're willing to end the relationship rather than try to force him to change.
There's a new meme going around, and I like a LOT of what it has to say. In case you haven't seen it, it's the one that suggests a more positive approach to evaluating your relationship(s). Instead of looking for "red flags," it invites people to look at the "green flags."
The next thing you know, the insecurity is in control not only of the established relationship, but its tendrils are reaching in and poking at the soft spots in the nascent one as well.