We need to have compassion for one another regardless of our individual circumstances. Comparing hardships is about as helpful as comparing partners – it’s not.
Kindness is going to be the most valuable commodity we can share with one another...
That's when the forensic relationship accounting begins. Someone (usually the mono person in the relationship) begins looking at the relationship the way an accountant might view a business profit and loss statement. They are able to clearly see the benefits for their polyamorous partner, and perhaps even for their newfound metamour - but on their own end, all they see are big red expenses.
More often than not, when people avoid telling their partner something they know should tell them because they're worried it might cause a fight or a breakup, there's a chance their partner will consider it cheating.
She’s right there, asking me “But what If I do have sex with someone else and I end up feeling awful about it? What if I get my heart broken or my ego bruised? What if it makes me so emotional that it scares them off ‘cause now I’m crying and I can’t explain why? What if they feel used because this all turns out to prove that I’m not polyamorous and I can’t do it?”
By now (if you're in the United States), you've likely had at least one conversation about how your polycule is going to handle Thanksgiving (or Friendsgiving), and I'm guessing there's more than a handful of hinge partners out there that are starting to feel the pressure of multiple paramours vying for spots on the holiday calendar.
Zoe, who uses cis pronouns of she/her, is a grad student who is asexual, a-gendered, and in a relationship with a polyamorous partner. She’s a wonderful guest who very patiently answers a lot of my questions on the differences between emotional and romantic connections and what a typical date looks like when sex isn’t the… Continue reading Polyammering Podcast Episode 11: Zoe the Asexual Grad Student
What I really want to do is help people understand that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do either, and there is definitely a way to make it work when a partnership has one of each.
Imagine thinking that you failed at accepting polyamory in one sentence, and in the next being so fully accepting of his polyamorous identity that you're willing to end the relationship rather than try to force him to change.
The next thing you know, the insecurity is in control not only of the established relationship, but its tendrils are reaching in and poking at the soft spots in the nascent one as well.