There’s an element of fear. I guess it feels a little bit like fear. It’s not supposed to, as I agreed I would do it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.
And I am. I do.
I’m just also scared.
Because this is important to me. In a short time, his approval has become important to me, and I have watched many things that are important to me disappear.
So I’m scared. A little. Like a knife’s edge along my throat – I’m risk aware. I don’t believe he wants to hurt me. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me.
It’s still a knife’s edge at my throat.
It feels amazing, but it can still hurt.
I choose to trust, with the lump in my throat and the thump in my chest.
Because I want it. I want this.
I’ve missed this.