In the grand scheme of things, yes – these are minor annoyances. But they have power only when we think we’re the ONLY ONES who suffer from them. So, I’m taking a risk and raising awareness of some of my minor annoyances so that I can feel solidarity with my sisters who’ve all potentially endured the same shit for years, sometimes without being able to complain about it ’cause we thought we were the only ones.
1. Those motherfracking chin hairs. I already KNOW I’m not the only one. These fuckers SPROUT. There’s no other way to explain it. One day, baby smooth chin, next morning – miniscule strippers could dance around these rigid poles sprouting from my chin. I have waxed, tweezed, even fucking epiladied the shit out of these things and they still sprout up incessantly. I will NOT shave them. That just makes it worse.
2. Panty crotch holes. Ok, first time I’m ever bringing this up. I swear my vagina spews acid during the day because I get a tiny hole in the EXACT SAME PLACE on all my cotton panties. right above the crotch area. Am I alone in this? I could start to wear pantyliners, but seriously? WTF is going on down there?
3. Underwire in the armpit. It either pokes through the front or off to the side, but eventually you get that underwire that’s poking out into your armpit. Can’t even tell you how many times I’ve just pulled that sucker right out and thrown it away. Starting to wonder if the underwire is even necessary at this point.
4. Itchy hoo hah. This is a Public Service Announcement. I discovered a few years ago that some women are actually allergic to some toilet papers that use bleach and other nastiness to make them “strong,” “soft,” or “white.” I was going around grabbing my crotch more frequently that Michael Jackson in the 1990s because of this itchy feeling. Once I discovered the culprit and switched over to free and clear style toilet paper – all that shit went away. So my big complaint now? MY WORK BATHROOM IS NOW STOCKING THE ITCHYSHIT. I’ve taken to using the restaurant bathroom down the street, or carrying my own packet of baby wipes in to the loo with me.
5. Boring bras for larger chests. This has been bugging me since high school. I see all these ADORABLE bras for smaller cup sizes. Cute patterns and styles and fabrics. Head over to the rack with the DDD+’s and good fucking luck finding anything that doesn’t resemble something my grandmother’s been wearing for forty years. Not only that, but the DDD rack? BOTTOM RACK. ‘Cause, you know, nothing us heavychested ladies like doing more than bending over to look through the eight bra’s you have to offer us. Now, specialty stores like Victoria’s Secret and other REALLY expensive specialty stores have more options for us; but …that means I have to go into a mall or make an extra stop after hitting up my local TJ Maxx for clothes. I am a Dress For Less gal. I like my parking free and plentiful and my tags discounted for irregularities.
6. Showers without hand-held attachments. Seriously. Hotels? Get on this. I. Can’t. Feel. Clean. with your wimpy cheap-ass shower head with no detachable handle. That is the BEST way to clean out the undercarriage. It’s also conveniently pleasurable. So, get on it. Install these types of shower heads or quit skimping on the washcloths. If I’m there for five days, give me ten washcloths then, ’cause fuckin’, I don’t want to use the one I used to wipe my ass back on my hoo-hah the next time I get in.
7. Shampoo and Conditioner Discrepancies. If you’re like me, then your hair gets tired of always using the same shampoo and conditioner; and yet, you don’t like to mix up brands. But what ends up happening? You buy one each of the BigSexyHair for Color Treated Soy Shampoo and Conditioner, and the conditioner runs out first. Now you’re stuck with half a bottle of the shampoo and you wanna swap over to the L’OreaL brand stuff, but you know that’s just gonna mean you’ll finish THAT conditioner first and just have gotten started on the corresponding shampoo. I have actually stumbled upon a solution, though. When my partner showers, he only uses the shampoo – which means I’m going through twice as much shampoo as conditioner, and both bottles are getting used up at approximately the same rate.
8. Exercise. It sucks. I hate it. Nothing further.
9. Periods. Gee, thanks hormones for making me as horny as possible and then punishing me with cramps and irritability. Speaking of which…i should stock up on tampax.