1. The first shit you take after anal. Come on. You know it’s true.
2. Peegasms. I’ve mentioned these before and I know not everybody gets it, but for those of us who do – you know, that feeling you get when you gotta pee but you hold it in? It’s like a little orgasm. It’s fucking good, yo.
3. Finally plucking that one stubborn hair. Whether it’s on your chin (grrrr) or elsewhere, there’s that one that keeps slipping past your tweezers, but you can still FEEL it. Then that moment you get it, finally GET that little fucker….bliss.
4. When your cat tickles your bare back with his tail. You’re laying naked on the sofa, eating out of a jar of peanut butter and watching the latest episode of Dancing With The Stars when your little kitty decides your back, or your butt, or your thigh looks mighty comfortable. It’s a little wiggy at first, ’cause you’re naked and his cat-litter paws are treading directly on your skin. Especially when the kneading starts and those little prickles have you questioning whether your’e a masochist or a moron. But then, the tail swishes. You freeze. Maybe he’ll do it again. Swish. Oh yeah, baby. Now we’re talking. You try desperately not to disturb His Royal Catness so that he may continue to swish his tail over and over again. Meanwhile, you haven’t even noticed how much cat hair is on your peanut butter spoon.
5. A teensy, tiny hint of gaminess. Not the full-on, wallpaper-peeling gnarliness from a partner who hasn’t showered in days, but that “I’ve been working all day, but I totally showered this morning” musky aroma (and taste, if you’re lucky) of a partner’s netherbits right up in your face. That’s it. Inhale. Take it all in. Then….yeah. Take it. All. In.
6. Being right. I think it might be one of my favorite feelings, after orgasms, making someone else feel good, a warm bubble bath, and having my hair played with. Being RIGHT feels so good. Especially when it’s acknowledged by others. It feels so good that I’ve just gone ahead and made it a habit to be right as often as possible.
7. Being lazy. There’s a framed quote in my house by John Lennon: “Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.” But these days it seems like admitting that you love being lazy is frowned upon. Fuck it. I’ve had lofty aspirations of this or that project that I’d do during my time off from work; like set up a garden or clean out the garage, or do the laundry – and you know what I end up doing all day long? See #4.
8. Farting. I mean, we might not like the aromatic effects of it or the acute embarrassment if someone else smelts what we’ve dealt, but when you’ve got a horrid stomach cramp and then all of a sudden, PFFFFPPPPFBBBBBBBFFFFTRRRRTTTT. Ahhhhhhhhh.
9. When you wake up thinking it’s 6am and it’s not yet midnight. Oh yes. That thing that happens when you wake from sleep thinking you have but minutes before your alarm goes off telling you that you should probably get out of bed (except you don’t for another half hour because you finally got comfy), but when you look over at the clock, it’s still only 11:45pm the night before. WTF! You were just about to get up and go get ready for another dreadful day – but what’s this? EIGHT MORE HOURS OF SLEEP IN THIS COMFY POSITION YOU’VE JUST DISCOVERED? Fuck yeah!