Kinkstuff

Unsolicited Advice for Newbies (to Kink and BDSM)

Originally written and shared on my fetlife page back in May of 2015. It’s become relevant again as I am about to teach my first class on BDSM Negotiations at my local dungeon, so I’m sharing it here as a resource for others.


In the past couple weeks, I’ve received comments and messages from people who tell me they are “new to all this” and like some of the things I write about.

It made me wonder what information I’d have found helpful when I was new to all this that might have made my journey easier – but to be honest, I’ve had a pretty amazing journey.

What I know now, I know because I made some mistakes and learned from them. A lot of my guidelines work for me and not necessarily for other people.

However; here’s the stuff I would impart to a new submissive/bottom type getting their feet wet, if I were asked for advice (which I haven’t been, so y’know – feel free to ignore everything I say):

_____

  1. You are a person first. Submissive, Dominant, Switchy – whatever else you are – your personhood comes first. You deserve to be respected, heard, and feel safe in your interactions with any partner.
  2. You are allowed to have opinions. Whether or not you’re comfortable sharing them right away the way I’ve learned to is up to you. But never feel badly for HAVING them.
  3. If there isn’t compatibility or connection, don’t feel obligated to play with someone. In the same vein, acknowledge that they are not obligated to play with you if they don’t feel it. It’s a power exchange. You give. They give.
  4. Communicate. If you (like me) have trouble safewording out, let your top know that. Someone once did safeword training on me, and it helped be more comfortable with calling yellow. If you’re having weird hip pain, let your top know that. If your nose is stuffed up and you’re going to have trouble breathing during the deep throat, let your top know that. If your top is doing something that is triggering a very, very bad reaction emotionally, mentally, or physically – let them know that.
  5. You will never know everything. Neither will they. Nobody is an expert in anything except themselves. (And some people aren’t even experts in that). Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to let people know when you don’t have experience or knowledge about what they’re talking about.
  6. There are good people out there. There are bad people out there. The number of friends they have or their stance in the community can be an indicator but not PROOF that they are good people. Form your own opinion, but if a lot of people you trust tell you someone is a bad egg – keep your distance while you form it.
  7. People change. You might change. You can say you would NEVER do something and a few months later decide you might want to try it. Your hard limits are your hard limits when you say they are. I hated the idea of knife play, and it was only a short time ago that somebody I trust demonstrated how it would feel. I’ve since experienced a few knife scenes and enjoyed them tremendously, but it’s not something I’d do with just ANYBODY.
  8. Just because you’re comfortable doing X in a scene with one person, does not mean that you have to be comfortable doing it with anybody else. I have ONE person in my life who is allowed to use a cane on me. ONE. Everyone else can shove it-….you get the picture.
  9. Try to be honest and request honesty from others. If you don’t know what someone is feeling or why they are feeling it, ask them. The worst they can do is tell you they don’t want to talk about it. Respect that. But there is nothing wrong with asking.
  10. Don’t be ashamed of what you enjoy. Unless you enjoy shame. Then you’re a dirty, dirty whore 🙂

1 thought on “Unsolicited Advice for Newbies (to Kink and BDSM)”

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