Monocorn Sanctuary Testimonials

The Monocorn Sanctuary is a facebook group I started in 2017 that centers the experiences of mono people who are in relationships with a polyamorous or otherwise ethically non-monogamous person. The group not only centers them, it also explicitly excludes polyam/nonmono folk from its membership in order to avoid having folks polyvangelizing and/or being dismissive of the journey that many monofolk have to get through in order to feel secure and safe in this type of relationship.

Every once in a while, I’ll see a join request from a polyam person who wants to “scope out” the group for their mono partner before telling them about it, to make sure it’s the “right fit,” for them.

I don’t let them in.

I think one of the big benefits of this space is the absence of polyfolk actively providing advice to monofolk that doesn’t land quite right. Things like “why don’t you date other people and then you’ll understand,” or “you love both your children, why can’t you love two romantic partners,” or “monogamy is default codependency and unevolved.”

I think trying to “monitor the group” before suggesting it to their partner is an unconscious form of manipulation rooted in their own fears/insecurities – like “I’ll only share this resource if i think it gets you to where I want you to go,” and not “I trust you you decide for yourself if this resource is helpful for you or not.”

To be clear, I don’t think it’s a sign that they’re a horrible person or anything, I really think most of them are just afraid and longing for an outcome that they can’t predict and hoping to “guide” their partner toward it in some way.

But the intention behind The Monocorn Sanctuary is to hold space for monofolk to make their own informed choices about what works for them and what doesn’t. For many that means eventually accepting polyamory and maybe even finding that it has improved the quality of their relationship in some way. For many others polyamory exposes underlying issues in the relationship that couldn’t be swept under the rug the way they can be when monogamy is your default setting.

And some of them do come to the conclusion that their relationship is actually just a bad fit for what they want in life, and are able to move past that relationship through personal growth and the confidence that comes with it.

To me, all of these are positive results because “saving your relationship” should not have priority over finding your own happiness and fulfillment.

I had a fleeting thought the last time I received a request from a poly person who wanted to “screen” the group that perhaps some of the group members might be willing to share their own testimonials on how this group has helped (or not helped) them. I asked them what they would tell someone’s polyam partner if they were nervous about suggesting it to their mono partner (or what they’d tell a mono person who’s not sure if this is the right group for them).

Below are their unedited (except for spacing and spelling) anonymized responses:

FROM J – joined in September 2021

I found this group after a bitter argument with my poly partner. I could accept poly intellectually but emotionally I was nowhere near ready. I flipped. She put me onto the Multiamory podcast interview with you Phoebe. I listened, heard the plug, joined up.

This group has been with me through an extraordinary journey, during which I’ve confronted all my assumptions and norms and default settings, all the things I’d acquired by osmosis through an upbringing that I thought was based on intelligence and morality, but which turned out to be … something very very different, something much more to do with repression and anxiety.

I’ve been challenged here, and I’ve been supported. I feel this place has given me the space and the grace to put words to my feelings, and names to the dynamics I’ve dealt with.

It’s coming up for four years for me. I’m an entirely different person to who I was at the outset. Different? Or rather, more me, more present, clearer about who I am and why and what.

I’ve learned far more here than I can say. But one thing comes to mind: that polyamory is not about how many people we love. It’s simply about how. Everyday, I see people here learn about that.

Everyone’s journey is unique to them. Even understanding that simple truth can be confronting. And this place has helped me find my journey, with and without the people I love.

Just last week I realised (and posted) that in fact I *like* the monopoly dynamic. It’s no longer something I feel I must endure. But potentially something I’m going to seek, or at least, be open towards.

Just don’t be here spying on us! You pollies think it might help your monos get to grips? Just give em the link and move on.

From M – joined Feb 2023

Thank you for keeping the space safe. I try to explain to people that I don’t fit into the mono world or poly world because neither one really understands the mono poly dynamic.

I appreciate each and everyone of you who allow me to come here being hysterical, on my lowest days, and share the doubts without the pressure to just end the relationship. I know I’m melodramatic and I know I will get feedback that offers support, offers different perspectives, challenges some of my thoughts, and provides support that you really can’t get anywhere else. I am so grateful for this group!

From A – Joined May 2023

I found this group when my poly partner sent me the multiamory podcast with Phoebe’s guest appearance. Inwould say this:

It’s been a safe space for me to learn about other mono experiences with their poly partners. I really appreciate that most people here don’t want to automatically leave their poly partners, they want to learn if there is a way forward. That’s important to me—I want to stay. My mono friends would not understand. They tell me to move on.

From I – Joined December 2024

Thank you so much for keeping this a safe place for us all. This group is by far my favorite medium to interact with when it comes to mono-poly relationships.

I know for many of us, we cannot talk with our families and our friends, and it gets so exhausting when poly individuals say just go make new friends or find a community. They forget our position at times is in this stance Grey area, where we don’t truly fit in with any one group when it comes to discussion this topic.

This space has members of all levels in this journey and we all can share and actually sympathize and understand every word someone says. There’s no gaslighting no shame in the feelings. We honestly want to help each other find our own strength, voice, and place in all of this without arguing or trying to come across as right or superior in any way. It is beautiful to see the true care and concern we all have for people whom we’ve never met.

I can see how a poly individual may feel worried about this group. Maybe they are doing done things not ethical and are afraid their partner may find out through us all. Maybe they roll over their partners boundaries or choices. This is a space that I hold dear. I share things I have not with anyone else and the comments mean the world to me on this journey. I’m grateful for you all. When I had no one I found people to talk to.

I wish there where more safe space likes this online as well as off to find some of us near in case a partner is going on their first outing etc., so we can meet and have drinks and understand what that person is going through and just help take the mind off of those things if need be

From M – joined February 2023

Thank you! I know that it takes time and energy to stay on top of this and I (we all) appreciate you for doing this. This space is the only safe space I had to let my guard down and seek advice from people that had traveled the path set before me.

From K – joined March 2024

This was so refreshing to read. When I first was introduced to all of this reddit was largely where i was getting information from, and it was so disheartening. So often in the poly groups or mono poly groups people were just berating and talking down to anyone monogamous, acting as though they were ridiculous for their struggle and that they have inner issues etc.

While we all can do the work and we should do the work, it’s not an easy transition, and people expect when asking to be poly that the other party obliges. but often times mono parties are villainized when they understand their limitations.

I wanted to be selfless and to be able to make my partner happy, but at the end of the day it just wasn’t a dynamic that worked for me. It almost destroyed my relationship with trying to conform myself into something to make someone else happy. I harbored a lot of guilt and shame for that and I was ripped apart in most of the spaces I shared my story in.

I was insecure and not emotionally mature, I should have compersion, I shouldn’t need to control my partner, etc. I feel like poly bombing situations or poly under duress situations just do not have much consideration for the person that didn’t ask for any of this. It’s such a huge adjustment and it’s a lot of work on the mono person. We aren’t bad people for wanting to be in a monogamous lifestyle just as much as they aren’t bad people for being poly, but someone is making a sacrifice if you choose to work it out. That’s your own autonomy in what you do.

So i guess what i am saying here is that so many places just berate struggling partners and it has been so respectable and refreshing to have a space where you can yell into the void or read things and not have someone tell you how much you suck. The best thing you could do is keep this sacred for those of us who struggled, not allowing people to push their own agenda on someone already hurting or having a hard time. Thank you for harboring a safe place where there is no judgement and it’s okay to not be okay.

From A – joined March 2024

My poly partner found this group for me by reputation and suggested it without checking it out herself. I’m glad she referred me and I’m glad she didn’t insert herself into the conversations here or even look at them. She wants me to work through my process without her constant scrutiny and agenda. All for the best if this has any hope of settling into something mutually healthy.

From J – joined September 2024

I’m super new to this group, but I really really appreciate you doing this screening. I’ve tried a few other mono poly groups, and struggles with exactly the kind of stuff you referenced, and found that it was doing more damage than helping. Thank you so much for your efforts, protection, and space holding!