Let’s talk about the gremlins

Let’s talk about the gremlins and brain weasels that take advantage of some circumstantial evidence to try to “prove” something that isn’t true.

They feed off of uncertainty and fear, and they’re so convincing that they’ll throw even the most confident, self-loving person into some seriously dark places in their mind.

I know this because I’m there. Right now. This time of year has a tendency to present the perfect conditions for me to question everything about my life. It’s not a great time for me to be alone, but it’s when my instincts tell me to withdraw from having to be present anywhere where I have to put on a mask to hide what’s going on inside.

Even though I KNOW that it all goes away in a couple weeks when the holidays are over and the routine has resumed, I can’t help but ask myself this one question that I haven’t figured out the answer to:

How do I know when it’s a gremlin vs my instincts telling me what to do?

Because the gremlins are liars and I don’t trust them at all, but my instincts? I’ve learned to trust those. And the thing is, I can’t tell the difference between them right now.

So I do what I do. I dig in to the emotions. I let myself feel and I put words to those feelings no matter how badly I want to run away from them. It’s terrifying – especially when I have to share those words with someone else.

I want it to be the gremlins. I want these feelings to be based on lies and unfortunate circumstance, and not reality. I’m pretty sure they are – but the only way to know for sure is to dig into them, put words to them, and talk about them.

And wait for the ghosts of Christmas past to depart and stop fucking with my otherwise happy life.