Love & Relationships

Excuse me, but you’re not *MY* primary

This is all hypothetical and nothing to do with my current situation.  It’s the response to a few posts I’ve seen in the ether where I’ve chosen to keep my response private because the people involved in my current situation might misinterpret it to be about them.

In this whole “Metamours’ relationship with the primary” debate there’s one thing that really bugs me about an assumption that is made – and that is that there’s a power dynamic between my hypothetical self as the “new girl” and my partner’s primary partner.

There’s not. Read my lips – there is no power dynamic between us.

My relationship is with my partner, and if there’s a power dynamic within that – well, that’s been negotiated and discussed and agreed upon.  But, honeysugarmuffinlove, YOU and I have not had much of a conversation.

Your relationship with my partner is secondary from my point of view. It might be primary for him and for you, but you’re not the one sticking your dick in me.  See, that’s not YOUR dick between his legs, it’s his.

I make this assumption when getting involved as a play partner with somebody who is poly and/or has another significant relationship:  that he’s sticking to the rules established within your dynamic with each other.

That’s not my responsibility, see?  It’s his. My responsibility is to stick to the rules he and I establish within OUR dynamic.  So, if his responsibility to you is to introduce his partners to you before things get beyond the first smooch – then I’m going to assume he’s going to let me know so we can make those arrangements.  Otherwise, I’m really looking forward to that second smooch.

This doesn’t mean I don’t respect you or accept you or value the longevity and openness of your relationship, which allows him to stick his aforementioned dick in me.  I have insurmountable respect and acceptance and value for you.

But you don’t get to set the tone for my relationship with him ’cause you’re not the boss of me.

So when you say things like “believe me, if I didn’t like you – you’d be gone,” you’re asserting your dominance over me and I reject it.

It may be true.  You may have veto power.  You may be able to tell him “I just don’t like her,” and he’d be bound by the rules established in your relationship to end it with me.  But your issuing a *threat* like that to me is not going to make me want to be kind to you.  It’s going to make me want to avoid the ever-loving crap out of you.

Now – all that being said, I happen to like being on friendly terms with my metamours.  I’m a nice person, they’re nice people, I am rather fond of spending time getting to know them as friends.

But, unless my partner tells me that is something you would enjoy, then I’m in no rush to jump into being BFFs with you.  See, I’m still the new girl, and I am still working on establishing my relationship with that guy we’re both sleeping with.  He’s the one I’m spending the most time with, after all.   Do we need to complicate it if it’s not going to last?

In my current situation, one of my metamours has made great strides in becoming my friend and getting to know me.  That person is kind, thoughtful, and I enjoy the time I spend with them.  The other – well, I’ve met her twice and she makes me feel perfectly at ease, but we’ve never really had much of a conversation.

We will, soon.  I’ve invited the whole gang over this weekend.

Because it’s on my terms that I’d like to get to know all of them better and see how this whole thing works with all of us in the same room.  She could easily have invited me over as well if that was a priority for her and I gladly would have accepted.

But if she were to come at me right off the bat with demands that I make the overtures or threats that my participation in his life is up to her…

I’d probably bow out immediately.  That’s a power-dynamic that wasn’t negotiated or discussed or agreed upon.

And I’m a big fan of consent.

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